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Anything Else, but This...

t is so funny because as I started this adventure of creating this Recovery Community Organization, I was like I will do whatever I can to help spread the word. I meant it too, and I still do. I have literally reached out to important groups and people in the community, I created a Facebook, this website, a Crowdrise, and set up a community listening session. I have accomplished every goal I have set out to achieve. I even told my own individual story on a short youtube video. I wanted to start this blog to start documenting the progress through this process, my personal journey through recovery, and have a way for the world to get to know me a little better. I have put it off even after I launched the website on facebook though. I guess I keep coming back to that looming feeling "oh no, anything else, but this..". As if by putting my words out there, my story and my thoughts on a daily basis I am opening myself up to a whole new kind of rejection and loneliness. I don't know if I am ready to face those kinds of feelings again. I remember when I first started getting clean, I felt so rejected by my entire family. I mean I had to be sent away to get better, and I couldn't come home, and after the damage I had caused over the years, they didn't want me home at that time. My brother, he created hard limitations such as, we were not even going to speak until I had a year clean. (Little did I know I wouldn't have the opportunity to make it a year before his passing). I did not feel like I had a place, nor did I really want one at the center I was in. It took a long time for me to finally get acclimated enough just to allow myself to heal a little. I was a whole new kind of lonely, on top of the loneliness I had felt constantly just having had lost Rob only a month or so ago to cancer. I guess I am telling you I fear that putting myself out here like this will be the closest I will become to that frightened and empty girl that first walked into treatment some 3 years ago. I think that scares me, a lot more than anyone could ever imagine. I have a drive, a passion and willingness to create Positive Pathways, so that other people do not have to experience the things that I did, either along my journey or hopefully, leading up to it. I want to help them navigate this big and sometimes confusing world, so they can have meaningful lives, be prosperous, and figure out their purpose, drive and motivation. Over the next few days, I am going to have to seriously evaluate all I do on a daily basis, what I can do to help myself if I am ever feeling stuck or alone in the future, and take some time to define my boundaries regarding this project. I am going to do that with you, so everything is out in the open and I can be held accountable. So I don't have to fear ever being that girl again, and so that I can be successful in making this RCO a reality for our community. I promise as we move on I will work on my writing skills, hopefully, I can make this an enjoyable experience for everyone. I'm here and always available.

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